What men learn

 All behaviour is a form of communication.

Children learn how to behave from what they see their parents and significant adults do. It must follow that the behaviour of men today stems from what they have seen their fathers, do and from what their mothers accept.

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A colleague told me about an incident that she witnessed recently when she arrived at a kindergarten to pick up a friend’s child. I’ve paraphrased her story.

My friend’s son was safely secured in the car when I noticed a huddle of people at the gate. A little boy was being handed over to his father. He had fallen over during the day and gashed his knee. The staff had treated him. The father obviously wanted to know what had happened.

'He fell over this afternoon while he was playing and hurt his knee.’

‘Thanks for letting me know,’ he replied. Then he turned to his little boy.

‘You look okay now.’ He looked down at his son, arms crossed. ‘Did you cry?’

‘No,’ the boy replied.

‘Good boy. Boys don’t cry, do they.’ He stood up, placed a hand on his son’s tiny shoulder and walked him to his car.

Little boys love to be hugged. They love to be treated with love and tenderness. They crave it because they see so much of it showered on little girls, who are allowed to cry because then they can be fussed over, hugged and consoled. But they also crave it because it is who they are, little humans trying to form a bond, a connection, a safe way forward.

What is wrong with our world? Everywhere we see violence perpetrated predominantly by men. Men decide to go to war (apart from Margaret Thatcher). Men choose to subjugate women (often in the name of god). Men commit violence against their partners, ex-partners, girls, boys, daughters, animals. Men (mostly) tell the public and private lies that are called “alternative facts”. Our prisons are filled mostly by men. Men die earlier than women. Men are more likely than women to successfully take their own lives.  Men are killing each other in Ukraine, Gaza, South Sudan, the United States.

It is shocking. Distressing. A blight on all humanity. Where will it end? Because it seems that there are no answers and centuries of mistrust, anger, frustration, revenge and greed ooze out of the sore of violence that is slowly covering humanity and the natural world.

What might be at the root of this behaviour? Men are not born violent. We know this when we hold our sons in our arms. Violence is learned. And if it is learned, it can be unlearned. 

    1. Hug your son and tell him you love him while you are hugging him. This will be easier only if you feel loved yourself.

    2. Show him he is okay as he is. This will happen only if you feel okay as you are.

    3. Show him that inner strength is far more powerful and attractive than physical strength. This will only work if you are a mind-full and heart-full person yourself. 

    4. Offer your son the daily gift of your time, without fail. This will only happen if you don’t allocate your time elsewhere.

    5. Let your son express his emotions without reproach or minimisation. This will only work if you yourself have learned to do the same.

    6. Pay attention to your son’s body language because this is how he communicates best. This will happen only if you pay attention to your own body’s teaching.

We live in a world where the individual rules, where the celebrity is worth more than the music she sings, where men become ‘heroes’ when they destroy other men, where women are made to feel unsuccessful if they aren’t like men (so we have seen the rise of violent female heroes particularly in film).

We have become so self-absorbed and insular that we have no time for what is real and what is right in front of us. 

Parents no longer know how to parent, understand that they are actually responsible for their own sons and daughters. They, too, are lost and are afraid to say so.

A teenage boy becomes angry with his mother. His father tells him that he will knock him out if he does that again.

A ten-year-old boy fouls an opponent while playing soccer and is penalised. His father screams abuse at the referee from the sideline and tells him he is an incompetent cheat.

A four-year-old boy tells his father that another boy hit him at kinder and he asks him if he hit him back.

A mother tells her son to make sure he looks out for his sister when they attend a party.

We are teaching our boys to be men who believe they can abuse women, hit women, tell abusive and shocking jokes about women, rape women, stalk women, coerce and control women, because, to say it plainly, these men believe it is their right and believe it is the only way to make themselves feel powerful. They have learned this because we have taught them.

And the bottom line: how these man behave is who they truly are, no matter what age or what the circumstance.