Resilience

In the last few years, and especially since the global Covid-19 pandemic, we have been bombarded with stories, opinions and statistics that point to a “resilience crisis”, at least in the more economically developed countries. As a teacher and now as a counsellor, I meet and hear of people who report that they are finding it more difficult to meet (and integrate) the challenges of their lives. 

Here are three definitions of resilience one might find in a dictionary (my emphases):

1. n. the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

2. n. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

3. n. the ability to successfully adapt to stressors, maintaining psychological well-being in the face of adversity

The first one feels a little like a person might already have this quality in them (and I’m not sure that recovering “quickly” is relevant), while the other two feel somewhat like it's an action rather than a quality. In all three, a challenge is present, a stress of some sort, and the implication is that we can reduce that stress somehow. Or to express it differently, to get back to the status quo.

The idea of “psychological well-being” appeals to me. It suggests an attempt to experience mental equilibrium.

People often use expressions that imply what we might perceive resilience to be. 

For example:

.  For god's sake, grow some balls. This is a very masculine metaphor and, indeed, resilience is often couched in these terms.

.  Ya gotta get back on the horse. Why? Because you might be perceived as weak if you don’t.

.  There are plenty more fish in the sea. This implies that you have to keep looking.

.  Crying isn't going to make it right. In other words, you’re a “baby” or you’re weak, or “a girl”.

.  You just need to try a bit harder, that's all. That’s all? Trying “harder” is likely to push a more flexible attitude into the background.

.  Everything's be okay; you just wait and see. It’s clearly not okay and waiting merely leaves time for ruminating.

I've begun to wonder if we've got it right, this resilience thing. It's certainly a catch-cry these days. Adults (and often mental health professionals - me included) are often heard to declare that the lack of resilience in society today is a major problem. 

I'm beginning to wonder what it really means. 

Can we learn it or are some of us just born with it?

Is it an attitude or an action?

Is it something we feel or something we choose?

Perhaps it's more nuanced than we at first perceive and I write this to push back a little at the commonly-held belief that it's "just common sense." I think we lose sight of a range of other factors that affect our ability/capacity/desire to "bounce back". The truth is we never return to the place we were prior to the challenge that arrives. I think resilience implies a new state of being. I like the idea of malleability,  an attitude of flexibility and elasticity that informs what we think, how we might feel and then what we do next.

Resilience may also involve grief and loss, a process of letting go, and, perhaps, even taking responsibility for our actions.

I think resilience isn't let's start again or let's move on. I think it's more like let's NOT start again and let's NOT go there again.

Resilience asks us to look inside where our true strength lies. It asks us to honour ourselves, to give ourselves permission to be real.

I think there's a very fine line  between resilience and resistance. We practice the latter at the cost of the former. 

If we believe we mean something to ourselves, we will walk the path each adversity of life presents.