Hands Off! Is there a cost?
Many schools have a hands off policy.
Don't touch!
Stop mucking around with each other.
I said, hands off, you two.
(Stop fighting! is quite another matter, of course.)
There have been too many examples of adults abusing children for this mot to make clear sense. Intuitively we think this is a good thing. It prevents nasty accidents; it makes our children aware that physical altercations are not the way to solve conflicts or to channel aggressive urges; it's like a throw-rug of protection. This probably results in fewer fights in school grounds and may even provide a safer environment for some.
But does it have unintended consequences?
And, just quietly, I have heard far more emotionally damaging verbal attacks in my experience as a teacher.
Research (1) tells us again and again that children who grow up in loving, nurturing families who are not afraid of physical connection are healthier, less anxious and stressed, and encourages strong emotional connections. It is likely, then that these children will move into a future where they are more resilient, achieve better results in school and deal with adult relationships in a more balanced way.
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Fathers and their sons play fighting, enjoying a rough-and-tumble, is a right of passage for the young boy. He is pitting his growing strength against a man he can trust, who allows him the feeling of pride and connection that this controlled physical engagement provides. A wise dad and mum will see this as a vital learning tool to help their son develop healthy respect for himself, to know that physical power like this, at whatever level, is part of making meaningful connections, especially for boys.
When this process is short circuited (or abused by parents) it can lead to lack of impulse control and a belief that physical domination or threat is the only way to get what one wants and needs and emotional life is suppressed.
Humans crave communication through touch and what schools may inadvertently be doing is creating an environment for that primal and essential skill to be emasculated, especially in our young men. During the COVID years our whole society eschewed touch. Could this be one of the factors that has had an influence on the rise in anxiety in young people and a decline in resilience?
Of course, we must, every day, teach mutual respect. It is a blot on humanity that so many men (especially those who are or have been intimate partners) accept that violent words, coercion and control and physical aggression are even close to a way to work through conflict of any sort.
However, I suspect that the ubiquitous so-called "hands off" policy has had some consequences that our society is dealing with these days and perhaps didn’t expect to be.
This attitude in schools has developed from society stereotyping ALL MEN because of the violent, abhorrent and despicable actions of some. All women, all humans, have a deep right to feel safe in their own homes, workplaces and in society everywhere. This is an absolute.
A very clear understanding of what consent means is vital here.
I'm not advocating "hug fests" or a lessening of our care and vigilance in schools, but I am asking the question: Have we thrown the baby out with the bathwater?
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