Behaviour is communication: 5 ways to get what you want

Our deepest learning comes from our experiences. Our truest communication comes from our behaviour. If you want to find out what someone wants, observe their behaviour. Human beings are designed to relate with each other through behaviour and emotion, not words, but we live in a society that cherishes words - the more the better. But words can easily mask what is really happening. Words are just a symbolic way of making meaning, and mostly pretty crude at that.

Scenario #1 - The Silent Treatment

Geraldine, a fifty-five-year-old artist, was never one to plan for her shopping expeditions. But living, as she did, up in the distant hills, this was an idiosyncrasy she needed to overcome. Now, Geraldine had a friend who lived closer to the tumultuous centre of commerce in the valley so she would sometimes ask her to fill out the list before she came to visit. 

Geraldine and Maya were good friends. Very good friends actually given that they had met in secondary school and had become lovers in an on-again-off-again sort of way. While it was true that the pattern of their relationship had remained stable for many years, neither felt she had the opportunity (or the courage) to change it. It suited them both. They knew what it stood for. They were individuals, after all, and didn't want to relinquish that. Solo time allowed for reflection, independence and bursts of anger that remained private and affected nobody but themselves. Then again, being together gave them periods of passion, delight and something to look forward to.

So, shopping. 

Maya arrived with three bags bulging with the items on Geraldine's list (sent by text) and set them on the kitchen table. Unpacking them for her friend, she realised that she had forgotten the bread and bought the crunchy peanut butter. Her friend hated the crunchy, she now remembered and grain bread was a staple in this hill-top house.

'I'll go back,' she told Geraldine.

'Don't bother. it's too late. I'll go myself next time.'

'It's no trouble, Gerri. I made the mistake so I'll fix it.'

'How is it that you still don't know what I like, what I want?'

'Look, I'm sorry. I fucked up.' Maya picked up her keys and left. 'I'll be back in forty minutes,' she threw over her shoulder at the closing screen door.

On the way down the hill, a message popped up on the touch screen: JUST LEAVE IT. I'LL C U WHEN I C U.

Maya didn't hear from her friend for a month, each day bringing a small addition to her guilt till it felt like three shopping bags hanging from her heart.

Scenario #2 - The Attack

Teacher:    Ato, this is the third time you've been late to school. What's going on?

Ato:           Dunno

Teacher:    Well, you need to let us know. We are responsible for you at school.

Ato:           None of your business. I'm going to class.

Teacher:    Don't just walk away. That's not very respectful.

Ato:           Stop picking on me. (He takes a step toward the teacher, a menacing look on his face)     It's because I'm black, isn't it?

Teacher:     (doesn't move and shoulders tighten) You know that's not true. I -

Ato:            (pointing) Shut the fuck up. You can't tell me what to do. (ATO walks away).

Scenario #3 - The Come Here

You're my friend. You know that. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Besides, there's no reason to be annoyed at me. It was for your own good. You know that. I just want what's best for you, that's all. That's why I told them about, you know, your plan. Look, I know it was supposed to be a surprise, but it wouldn't have been taken that way. Well, it would have been but they wouldn't have liked it. They would've been too shocked. They would've felt blind-sided, you know, and they hate that sort of thing. Spontaneity. Surprise. I was just protecting you. 

She had to stop talking. It was getting too much and she'd end up pushing him away. She didn't want that. So she'd have to take a breath and wait a bit.

So, are we good? Maybe I'll just tell them it was my idea in the first place. Okay? We can still celebrate. It'll be fun.

Scenario #1 - The Get Lost

As I walk along the walkway between the tiered seating, I can see that we're all here . We've got spots on the third level, six of us. I've been looking forward to this match for a while so I take the time to stop and look around the huge stadium before I climb the dozen or so steps to the row of seats. LL, I think. Although it's a cloudy day, the sun is streaming across the ground, bathing the sea of faces on the other side of the ground with light. I feel the hum in my gut and hear the ground announcer talking about a charity that he invites everyone to contribute to.

Enough. Time to get to my seat. I turn and begin my ascent up the concrete steps, gauging where I can sit. Not seeing an empty seat, I stop at the end of the row, trying to let the group know that I need them to move over for me. I swing my small day pack round off my shoulder to make it easier to manoeuvre past the knees and arms of other patrons. Still no seat.

One of the group, someone I actually don't know that well, raises his arms in a show of I dunno what's going on and swivels his head back to the scene below: the first team has run onto the playing surface. 

Then one of my mates beckons me. He is about fifteen seats along. I begin my dance along the row but before I arrive, he speaks.

'You're seat's up a couple of rows, buddy. We couldn't get everyone together so there was a spare one up there.' I look up and see a group of three empty seats. 'PP42 I think.'

I turn my head to look at him but see only a thumbs up.

'We're gunna catch up after the match if you wanna join us.'

I manage to climb over the empty (but obviously paid for) seats and find my allocated spot.

The game is a cracker. 

Scenario #1 - The Poor Me

That's the word. Mournful. He's nearly always under that tree. You've seen him sitting there many times, but you don't go up to him. Today you want to go over and say hello but you've promised your partner that you'd meet him for lunch so you ... you're going to carry out that promise. As you pass, you glance up. Your eyes meet and, suddenly, you have to stop.

They look dark from that distance but you're not sure, and you're not sure if they are looking at you anymore or at some point behind you, through you. Your heart readjusts its beating. Now you've stopped, you can turn towards him. One of your heels catches on a flagstone. You stumble minutely. His head snaps up a little. You have to speak to him, now that you've regained you balance.

'Hi.' That's it? Hi. 'Are you okay? You seem ...'

'I'm okay. Just a bit out of it today. All good.' He looks down at his half-eaten sandwich.

You know that this is not enough. 'Do you feel like some company? I've got a bit of time.' You know, of course, that this is not true.

'Well ... if you have the time ...'

'All good.' You take off your shoes and walk up the grassy back towards him.

You sit next to him on the low, stone wall and he startles you by putting out his hand.

'Hi. I'm Alex.' You take it and shake briefly. It feels bony and dry. 'You must be Gillian.' You quickly take your hand away, knowing he can see the deep frown that has snapped across your face. 'It's okay. Really. I work in the same building as you. Seen you around a bit.'