Making Conversation

Having just finished reading an informative and very useful book called "The Next Conversation" by Jefferson Fisher, I'd like to share some of his ideas and add a couple of my own.

He is a trial lawyer from the United States, and his ideas have developed from his years reflecting on his own behaviour, asking questions, listening to the answers and observing his own and others' clients in a range of stressful situations. He lets us know at the outset that he is not a psychologist. However, any psychologist or counsellor who reads this will smile at the information and suggestions that they will surely recognise. 

However, the value of this volume for me lay in the simple and logical manner in which Fisher distilled his learnings and experience. He uses an engaging "do-you-want-to-come-on-this-journey-with-me?" style, treating his reader with respect. He reinforces the view that words hold power, despite them contributing a relatively small part of total human communication.

His aim is to help make his reader's "next conversation" more meaningful. 

I find it instructive to research the history of the usage of the words we use today. Very often, we miss the delicate and often surprising nuances of our language. The etymology (www.etymonline.com) of the word "conversation" is enlightening. It comes from the Latin conversario, meaning "turning together", "to associate with" and then evolved through Old French (14th-18th centuries) usage to mean "a way of life" or "living together", a bit like spending time with each other. I have an image of a group of friends and acquaintances chatting, interacting, sharing food. Perhaps the sun is setting, and they decide to go on into the evening with their conviviality, deepening their understanding and connections through their conversations. 

Ultimately, we came to the modern (and less evocative, in my opinion) interpretation of "talking together". The image I have looks more like a chat over a coffee, or a group sharing their opinions about an issue at a conference. Perhaps a boss is having a conversation with an employee - at whose instigation?

Each of the thoughts I outline here has its source in Fisher's book. However, I have put my own slant on them.

1. Stop carrying the weight of someone else's words. The words belong to the speaker, not to you.
2. Stop attending every argument to which you've been "invited". Usually, they want to defeat you in some way, and engaging in that "battle" will not enhance your relationship.
3. Set a frame around a difficult conversation. That is, make the purpose of the conversation clear from the very beginning and don't go outside that "frame". This elinimates red herrings.
4. Say what you need to with CONTROL, CONFIDENCE, and in order to CONNECT. This means that you have control over your own triggers and bodily reactions. You make yourself aware of the other's intention and ask for understanding. And you make it clear that you wish to connect with the other person.
5. Never set out to win. Set out to connect. It's difficult for the other person to reject this approach and you are more likely to reach a mutual compromise, and maybe a closer connection.
6. Connection = Awareness + understanding. That's the equation. Awareness implies you have an attitude of openness. Understanding implies that you are willing to listen to the other in order to learn.
7. Whatever triggers you, teaches you. It's a learning opportunity which most people miss because they allow their triggers to dominate them. Triggers are physical and / or psychological reactions based on past experiences that impact your present interactions. They have a huge influence (often unconscious) over how we think, feel and behave.
8. Both words and silences (pauses) carry meaning. Learn to use them to connect. Words can be used either as weapons or gifts.
9. The boundaries you set define what you value.
10. Confidence is a feeling. It can be built through assertiveness. Assertiveness is an action that can be learned. Aggressiveness is also learned. It is NOT assertiveness. It is an attack, a deliberate incursion. Assertiveness is standing your own ground with autonomous strength. 
11. Avoid becoming a "dopamine junkie". Winning gives pleasure which is what we feel with the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine. Some people will use you for their own dompamine fix. Don't let them.
12. Stay cool. Stay open. Stay curious. That is, stay away from the "heat" that triggers you. Don't give the other person the fuel with which to attack you. Rather, create space for the heat to dissipate. Avoid the other's defenses by showing you are curious about them.
13. Use "I" statements. This encourages self-reflection, personal autonomy and mutual trust.
14. A difficult conversation requires the respect of a mutually agreed time and an agreed safe space. Don't engage in small talk as this minimises the serious nature of the interaction.
15. Difficult conversations are your best opportunity to connect to another person.
16. Never "win" an argument or you will both "lose".
17. When it comes to expressing deep meaning, less is more. The more words, the denser the "camouflage".
18. Words send ripples out into the world. They carry who you are and what you believe.
19. I've learned that my most useful tracking device is my body. The body is actually our second brain. We ignore it at our peril. It's also the receptacle in which we store our whole life. Treat it with respect and dignity.         And finally ... 
20. My next conversation could change my life. 

Without each other our lives will stagnate. We will struggle to understand what it means to be human. It's in our next conversation that we will find that small flash of light that will guide us on our lifelong quest to find meaning.

 Letting go of our need to "win" means that we are more open to embrace each other in our differences and similarities, readier to draw new relationship pathways on the map of our lives.

Winning or Whinging? Camouflage or connection?