Why?

Recently a  colleague and I were discussing why many women stay in destructive relationships. She was sure it was for financial reasons. "They aren't financially independent," she said. I agreed with her that it seems a reasonable motivation to remain. But then she had also to accept an unhappy life. I've never been in that position so I have no experience in that respect. None. I'm also not a woman and subjected to insidious, ubiquitous and violent appraisal by many men.

Many women who want to leave need significant support, a commodity that, unfortunately, is often in short supply or simply not understood.

In the course of our discussion, I suggested that the main reason may lie much deeper than that. I suspect that many women also bear a deep sense of worthlessness and shame and haven't, yet, allowed their rage to burst to the surface.

This, of course, begs the question: How is it that the vast majority of abusers, controllers, attackers, haters, liars, manipulators and smooth talkers are men? The answer to that just as surely lies deep within men, crushing their hearts and keeping them in shadow.

This is not who we are, say the inhabitants of the "Manosphere". These are words used by the weak and the woke to discredit behaviour that they know, deep down, is simply in the nature of things. It's how God made us. We're merely being strong, keeping our women safe, trying to lead the world back to where it should be, how it always has been. Women need our protection. Just look around you. They deserve our leadership because they are built for a different role. And the more young men we can convince of this, the better off the world will be.

We're doing this because we have the means. And anyway, we're right, say the oligarchs, mega-billionnaires, Presidents and Prime Ministers. Believe it or not, these petty, small, weak men were once innocent kids

Needless to say, a belief in these "manifestos" will lead to a range of abberations. I wonder what young men think of this worldview. I wonder whether their fathers talk to them about what it means. I wonder what young boys and girls learn about gender from what they observe in their own homes, schools, shopping malls and social media feeds.

The behaviours and beliefs we adopt are learned. We weren't born with them. Even before we're born, we have developed an astounding array of abilities. How else do we get through nine months blind, dependent, aware, able to move and react to our environment, not breathing and in complete darkness. We can even communicate with the outside world through touch. Have you ev er placed your hand on the belly of a mother and felt the life within move towards you?

So, somewhere along this journey that we call life, men learn that their place in the world is constructed by pushing rather than reaching out, battling rather than collaborating, controlling rather than creating, holding on rather than letting go. It's instructive to note that not one of the wars, conflicts, genocides, massacres or environmental abuses are instigated by women.

What is it about the male psyche that we feel the need to destroy in order to feel whole?

Of course, I'm not describing all men. Far from it actually. And I'm not absolving all women. But I am laying responsibility squarely in the place it belongs.

More and more women are taking hold of their hearts and their courage. They are leading more men to do the same.

Each time we see it, hear it, smell it, touch it, even suspect it, we must walk towards it and turn our faces towards it. Because the consequences if we don't are no longer beyond our knowledge, unimaginable. They are inevitable.